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Hilarious local stories worth sharing
Plantgate Halloween Hijinks: Johnny becomes officer Crabtree in “Plantgate: The Case of the Unintentional Getaway Driver”.
If you were at the last Halloween party at the Marmotte, you’ll know it was a night well worth writing off the next morning for. Once again Fleck & Alisha put on a blinding night, Gowan was on the decks, banging out some absolute classic tunes most of us knew and loved from young to older. The Montriond Surf Club turned up in full force, proudly repping the band that is still, according to some of them, bigger than JC and playing the opening party of Schladming. Lots of effort was made but the crown for me went to Chef Mikey dressed as a health and safety conscious American football player from hell, it hadn’t always been that way but paperwork had made it so, his outfit was now classified as certified risk free. And then there was Johnny. It took me long enough to work out it was him, dressed only with a mask so terrifying and in your face that it scared me more than any costume, until he took it off and realised it was a good mate of mine. Johnny’s scare didn’t materialise that night.
We’ve all woken up after a heavy one thinking what on earth did I do last night? Especially when the night ends hours after the pubs and bars shut. This was not one of those mornings for Johnny, despite the messy after party he hosted. No, his moment of dread came delayed, very delayed, courtesy of a mysterious letter.
The letter was written in a language Johnny had only encountered once before on a Ryanair safety card, but one thing was clear: it was from the police. Something about an “incedont” on Friday night. Johnny racked his brain: he remembered nearly falling into a hole and scrambling out, but not anything that sounded arrest-worthy.
Panicked, he drove a minute up the road to one of the unofficial Soeil Blancs post offices; inhabitants use it sometimes to avoid the infamous parcel thief of Soleil Blanc. Luckily, Post Misstress/Person? Isa was there and able to translate.
The news wasn’t great.
According to the letter, Johnny was under suspicion for theft, and not just any theft but a whole criminal operation. He was apparently one of the getaway drivers. The case of Plantgate was open…
“Preposterous!” is what he might have cried if this was VD, but it’s not. The van needed “invoustigating”. A quick check of the boot confirmed it, he was transporting stolen goods and had been all weekend, looking laid back, soil all over his van, the plant seemed ok, alebiet slightly battered from a heavy weekend.
He went to the station the next day, returning the plant and attempting to explain the situation. He quickly realised there was no point proclaiming and “anglaying” his way through his defence. Fortunately, he had a French speaking work mate to accompany him, given how expensive avocados, even for Montriond tax payers. According to the interpretation the police were vague but apparently Johnny would be off the hook if he could help identify the real culprits caught on CCTV or pay to replace the other missing plant that had been put into a different van.
It was all rather unfortunate, he was hoping to find relief from the police but instead he was under pressure to solve the crime he was a victim of or worse pay for a crime he was the victim of. He wasn’t sure which option to take but considering his interest in detective work started and ended with the “skip intro” button on Poirot, Cluzo, and Columbo buying a new plant seemed like the safest bet; however, a series of unexpected expenses had left him less flush than usual, in particular the winter tyres that had been delivered to nowhere, forcing him to buy another set to stay 1st of November compliant and the insurance excess from his recent Lyon trip. So he was a bit skint but figured he would rather miss a few pints than be charged for a crime he didn’t commit, so he dug deep and went to Dellobard, only to find that none of the plants were in stock. He was going to have to play detective. In a moment of pure genius, he remembered watching ‘Allo ‘Allo! when he was younger. Officer Crabtree became his unexpected mentor and role model for the job. Perfect — after all, Crabtree was an Englishman who thought he knew exactly how French policing worked. What could possibly go wrong?
Like any hero of our wonderful community, officer (in training) Johnnytree called for backup. The call was answered by a respectable, french speaking, local business owner & favourite landlord, who naturally thought that things had been lost somewhere in translation. So he took officer (still in training) Johnnytree back to the station and asked to see the alleged CCTV footage, which was vital if Johnnytree was to solve the case! The key evidence was not available, request denied. It wasn’t a translation issue, it wasn’t a pronunciation issue, maybe it had been left on a memory stick at the lunch table next to an empty bottle (o water), possibly it was a GDPR issue. Afterall nobody really knows what GDPR actually means and everyone in business seems sufficiently terrified of it. Maybe the police were equally intimidated by the prospect of accidentally committing a data-protection offence. It’s not like Johnny had signed a contract or NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) for this free freelance work and sharing such PII (Personally Identifiable Information) could have been a crime too! The police certainly didn’t need the added headache of GDPR, PII and NDAs; they already had enough on their plate trying to solve Plantgate and keeping an increasingly close eye on Montriond’s speed limits, not to mention those winter visitors who treat the two hundred meter section between the Route du Lac roundabouts as a speed trial.
Johnnytree needed proof that Johnny was innocent, some evidence that would help. Johnny wasn’t doing so well at the threat of being done for a crime he was a victim of. Nervous, he produced a photo from 2 a.m., taken well after the “incedont” and in the optimism of the drunken late-night. Three friends, locals and drunk smiling with glee after the great party at our beloved Marmotte. Unfortunately, or maybe even fortunately, it contained one of the actual culprits…
The police seemed to take this as confirmation that Johnny had been with the culprits! This is where it all got a bit crazy. From Johnny’s perspective, he had absolutely no clue who the culprits were, yet it seemed the response to the picture hinted to Johnny that police already had a pretty good idea who had taken the plants and put them in his van. In his attempt to prove his innocence, he’d somehow just handed them another piece of the puzzle but not the full picture — more fuel for their guilty-by-association fire pit of evidence. At this point, our trusty landlord put his head in his hands. You could almost hear the internal monologue: “Johnny… mate… what the hell did you just do?” but who knows maybe the police were just massive fans of the game Guess Who and had unconsciously turned Plantgate into a real-life version, leaving Johnny to sweat his way around Montriond village, trying to work out who was who while CCTV watched his every move.
Whatever the reasons behind Plantgate, the whole thing felt bizarre and ridiculous to Johnny, and, from the outside, it’s certainly not the sort of situation you’d expect to find yourself in. Imagine being the victim of a crime and somehow coming away from the police station feeling like you might be the one in trouble — while also being encouraged to help work out what had happened or potentially cover the cost of the missing plant. That was certainly how Johnny saw it, and it absolutely blew his mind.
Still, we all love a good story, and this, like many others, is one that’s done the rounds. Plus there is a lesson to this satirical fable: while your belongings might be perfectly safe left unattended in an open car, that doesn’t necessarily protect you from the antics of the creative, fun-loving, alcohol-fuelled problem-solving skills of a group of young local French women…
So ends Episode 1 of The Local Chronicles. I hope you have enjoyed it. Maybe you’ve got a story of your own you would like to share? If you have let us know, you can write it or we can write it for you, and the characters can remain anonymous if need be.
